dangers and desires, in the dark

Some conversations in the middle of a lonely night bring about more revelations than hours of chatting in the sunlight. There is something about the sinuous embrace of darkness which makes thoughts easier to share. There is an illusion of safety which allows hidden feelings to bubble up, over and out. No wonder, moon-lit nights are preferred for stealth and serenades alike!

I believe that we all are alike in our desires, deep down. Unless you are a misanthrope, we desire to meet people who are similar to us, emotionally. Oh, there is a complementary 'opposites attract' theory also. As I see it, these opposites stem from the same source, and therein lies the similarity.

'Its a dangerous thing to know someone like you (or me) is out there.'

This remark of a friend made me think how vulnerable we are to this innermost desire of finding people who 'connect' with us. I hope you are lucky enough to find such people, may they be friends, family, a teacher, or a random stranger on a train; and that you are smart enough to realize it. The bumps on the road ahead will be less bumpy thanks to all the extra support you have under your tush!

Along with the charms of such cozy links, come the dangers of being open and vulnerable to another person. It ain't easy to let go of the inhibitions, and once I let go, I expect the same from the other person. An inability to do so, is danger #1. The thought of rejection, as if the other person doesn't care, is danger #2. The painful part is, that rejections bring back all the clamps and inhibitions, multiplied. That after this cycle, I will withdraw even more into my emotional shell, is danger #3. These people are in the trusted circle, so any backlash in unexpected. This unseen danger, is my danger #4.

Now why am I gushing on about this?

I have been blessed as at each stage of my life, I have found people who I could share my innermost feelings with! Oh sure, this has backfired a couple of times, leaving painful scars. Time goes on, scars heal. New places, new people, new friends meet. Old friends call, chat and email. If you are lucky (like me!), these intrinsic connections remain.

Live, love, laugh; and life goes on!

I Love SF

Its been a month since I have been in San Francisco and I am luuuuving it! The energy and the diversity of the city remind me of Mumbai (my one true love), and so do the beautiful views of the SF bay. Moreover, the last few weekends reminded what it is like to live in a city again! Oh, and I found my own place to stay. So glad the search for that is over!

One of SF's claim to fame is the super-liberal environ in the city and there is no better celebration for that than the Pride Parade! Oh. My. God. - It was such an awesome experience! We walked on the streets and took a look at the very colorful lives and the history of the LGBTQ community in San Fran. There was real 'pride' here, with thousands of people along to support the rainbow movement. There were also random Christian preachers holding loud debates with the non-believers, magic brownie vendors, some very very hot gay couples, some not-so-hot naked guys and plenty of ladies displaying their charms. It was an over-whelming, sense-saturating, super-fun afternoon and I am so glad that I was a part of this quintessential SF experience!

And then there was the food adventure. Apparently, finding a nice place (close by) to sit and eat lunch on the Pride Sunday is next to impossible. So we ended up walking through a maze of streets trying to find places that Google Maps assured us would be there, only to find them shut or not open for lunch or sometimes, not existing at all! Eventually it all worked out and we ate and wine-d and beer-ed our way into a perfect Sunday. All the more reasons to love SF!

Blown away!

I am blown away, by a cold summer breeze.

It is a new place with some old friends and lots of new people. Life's changing a bit. I am in a new city, and I am loving it! Spending a year at KGI can really drain you. But an internship ain't easy either. I now get to work at 8 AM (oh my god!), hope that coffee will help me stay awake through meetings, grab a quick-ish (but yummy) lunch, go back to coffee + reading stuff and then hope I don't miss my shuttle! Get home, hang out with friends, enjoy the Lakers win with some good wine; these seem to be the good times. Then I crash, and now I understand why some 'old' working people don't want to do late nights.

What else is up? Well, another realization: I freaking hate house hunting. Hate it. Especially when I am being picky, and there ain't much choice to pick from. Grr... And the cold breeze... I kinda like it when I am all cozied up, but when its unexpected.... Brrr...

We went to a street fest in downtown SF last weekend. It was the Haight-Ashbury street fest, and man, it was an experience! The area there has a colorful history- it was (probably still is) the center of sex, drugs and roll n' rock in the 1960s. It had very interestingly named shops/hotels like the Vapor Den (sells legal pot), Amoeba, Mad Dog, the Grateful Dead house and many more. Look it up :)

Now my first week here is over, but the mind-fuck I was stuck with earlier simply doesn't leave me. Its the same stuff over and over, all sad and soppy. Brain, get out of here before I drown you in alcohol. Consider this fair warning! This reminds me: A, K and yours truly had an interesting night out partying. It was a great send-off guys (even though it wasn't meant to be one!), and I miss you all! And I am super-sad that I am missing AR Rehman's performance live in LA :(

Ta-da till the next!

Free fallin'

I am falling and I am flying high....

I can't decide which! My brain switches from one to the other without warning!

For the past week or so, I was hit by the worst case of nostalgia/home-sickness/feeling sorry for myself in a long time; and then I had an amazing Friday. One hour and five minutes was all it took to flip my luck on its head! So now, Dee is going to spend her summer in San Francisco, and is super excited about it! But a part of me is sad, there were certain aspects of staying back in Claremont, which promised to be as much fun, though in quite a different way. There is this contradiction in me which I have not been able to figure out yet: I am so unattached to so many things/people, and so attached to only a few. I am not even sure what the selection criteria is; it just is!

The past couple of weeks have been an endless series of people moving in, people moving out, people graduating, and moving on. Two weekends = Two graduation ceremonies! Standing next to these fresh graduates (with stars in their eyes :P) makes me proud of what they have achieved. I am looking forward to when I will ask them to be with me for my graduation. There is change in the air again; it's exciting, fun and scary at all once. Then last weekend, we got together (B, C, K, R and me) to go to Solvang. It is a pretty little town with original settlers from Denmark. Yummy Danish food, great trinkets to shop for, a cycle surrey ride thru' the town and some wine tasting. Throw in a beautiful drive by the coast, a gorgeous lake and a waterfall; with great conversation, laughter and Skip-Bo --> supreme perfection.

My biggest hope amongst all these changes is that this tenuous thread of friendship should not die off. It's very easy to let time and distance do their evil magic; it takes a lot of sweat and effort to maintain relationships. It is something that is weighing on my mind. Not to say that I am an expert in this; actually, judging by the present state of events, I suck! But I want a chance to try, and (hopefully) to try again. Maybe I will get one, maybe I won't. This time, I want to make it work better!

So now, for my own sake: Fingers crossed. Also, I am putting the smile back on!

Snip-Snaps from the months past...

Looking back on my posts, I seem to have missed a few steps between doing crazy fun stuff and bidding adieu to my seniors. Which was fine till I had the all-powerful excuse of KGI wringing the life-blood out of me. Damn, but I miss the place and the pace when its all over for the semester. After a year, I am glad that I am happy to be here, anyone who is still having doubts has been undergoing unnecessary torture! 'Coz this is the place where people have wacky ideas and do super-fun things together, like 12 girls setting off on a chick trip to Las Vegas! Woo-hoo!

Ah, the pleasures of not having men along with you. No one to hog the shower, nobody to protest when you spend time to get your make-up 'just right', being with people who appreciate sexy heels, no waiting in lines anywhere, bartenders getting you your drinks first, even better- guys offering to buy you your drinks, and the best part: girls encourage you to shop. Till you drop. Then they pick you up, get you a coffee, and send you out again on a mission to activate the pleasure centers of the female brain. If all those benefits don't sound enough, we also heard lovely comments like "Oh Ladies, you make this place look so pretty!" Sweet!

Vegas was exactly like it is projected to be, just much more alive and vibrant; and smack in the middle of bloody nowhere. Actually, that sort of makes it all the more impressive! Vegas has this way of luring you in with her charms, and spinning this fantasy web all around you. She tempts, and there is no escape from her temptations! The KGI ladies ate, drank and danced our shoes away. Then, to refresh our tired eyes, we went to enjoy the "Thunder from Down Under" which is basically a show with very hot, almost naked Aussies! Lasciviousness at its sizzling best! Mmmhmm. To top up the experience, the two bawis stayed up gambling little bits of their money away all night long! Hell yes, it was crazy, and worthy of being turned into a Kappa Gamma Iota tradition!

Oh, did I mention that the evening before going off to Vegas, I went to see John Mayer, live in concert? No?

Now that was another amazing experience. The crowds, the music, and the artists! Such energy! As with all great artists, his passion for creating music shows. At the end, JM treated us to a guitar solo which was smokin' hot, both musically and literally! The guitar was down on the ground, JM's intensity was palpable, and it was simply awesome. Very very wow!

There is more to come, a mish-mash of words and emotions waiting to be let out, but I thought these two good times deserved their own post. So here it is, with the pakka promise of more!

Re-Birth!

Genesis and new beginnings are recurring themes in our lives, there is something new at the end of every path. Tonight we had a party to bid adieu to our seniors, a "Re-Birth" as we called it. Such an appropriate theme, as none of them were same as the people who walked into KGI two years ago! The metamorphosis is worth the sweat and blood that you are regularly expected to put in here (they keep track of the gallons). This is the way we evolve, by going through a constant cycle. Reminds me of a line from a dedication I wrote for my seniors in school "... this is the end of a beginning and the beginning of a new end..." and may God grant you safe passage along the way!

A year has passed so soon, and at the end of it, I have realized a few things. I met (and re-met) a few people who are such an important part of my life now, and I hope that stays constant even though the distances are going to increase quite soon. I also realized that there are a lot of people I have met in this past year, but I actually know nothing about them. It kind of makes me sad that even here I haven't been able to get rid of my own barriers! Dee's aim for this year: Try harder. And then, there is this ultimate paradox of knowing, and not knowing a person at the same time. This has been the most difficult to deal with, but we'll survive!

This post is about reflecting back on the past year, and there are so many thoughts running through my head that I can't put down here! If I could, then I would be back home in Mumbai, living the relaxed life. Lab in the morning, arguments about lunch at noon, kadak chai at the tapri, inhaling the second hand smoke of a Classic Milds, traveling to Town to see a movie at Sterling, with dinner at Churchill's and dessert at Theobroma, or hanging out in Dadar, having a cold beer with bombil fry followed by a kalakhatta gola! No worries, no tension.

What worries me here and now is that this simple life may not satisfy me anymore. Sure, I miss it and I want to go back to it, but I don't know for how long will I be able to stay. Change is scary, and I can see it in me and my batch-mates. We will soon step into our new roles as seniors and mentors to the new kids who are going to here soon. I would be moving into a new house (or not?) and with new roomies. I can also see the change all around me, with people moving on and away. Even through all this, I hope we get the time to put in the effort of keeping our love and friendships going. Goodbye dear KGI Class of 2010, and good-luck. Let Your Light Shine!

"Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is before you can meet again. And meeting again after a moment or a lifetime is certain for those who are friends."

- Richard Bach

Friends

The edge of anything really good or bad manages to invoke words out of even the wordless.


He was like a breeze,
She was the warmth,
He was the care,
She was the complaints,
She was always in my hair,
Most of all they were mine.

It feels like a decade since the world spun the right way
Some zillion years my nights use to be my bright day
I now know there is no word like forever or even ever

I have found new friends and in them I find peace
Nostalgia,courage and compromise now nest in me
I wish we could keep everyone close and around for eternity
As we grow older our maniac egos do not give such liberty

Some voices have grown an accent
Some bellies have put on weight
Some hair loss is visible
Some new companionships their destiny await

Golden times and dark days we have all lived
We have loved and hated and tolerated
We have held each other and pushed each other away
We have more importantly been "we".

While we rush through life through new trains,people and places
I take a moment to remember all the faces that filled my spaces
I almost heard a crushing sound of a string "breaking"
I almost see the known faces fading

Rememeber me as I remember you
Both love and hate you
Things might change
Change is inevitable
But I would love to know you all over again

Dont make promises,
Promises just break..
But promise me you'll try to make the promise
Of being and trying to be "we" for a tad longer
Thats all I need to have from you my friends.

- This is an original composition by a very talented friend, Niyati Nagar. I found it very touching, and she graciously allowed me to share!