BART-er thoughts

Why do we make "friends"? Man is a social animal, agreed, but why are so many emotions involved in a friendship? There is all this love, joy, anger, jealousy, with some shine and glitter sprinkled around. Yes, we need people to talk to, share stuff with and just hang out, but why do we have a need to invest in them? Apologies for the multitude of frivolous sounding questions, but hang on and help me understand.

Psychological studies say that if a person can't form friendships they lose the ability to connect with society, and gain a label: misanthrope. Society frowns upon a person who has only casual acquaintances and relationships. You think not? Think about a girl who does only one night stands, and the label that comes to your mind! Not very polite, were you? I wasn't, at-least not initially.

To me, it appears that a vital element of friendship (or any relationship, for that matter) is reciprocity, the act of responding to a positive action with another. Simply said, its like give and take, without which very few relationships survive. So is friendship really about being selfless and all such other lovely "goodness of my heart" emotions? Or is it a barter, with strings attached? Me thinks its about being comfortable enough with a person that the act of reciprocity becomes effortless. In essence, a sugarcoated barter! 

All of this leads me back to my original thought - if we can conduct business as a barter, why isn't the relationship of friendship the same way, minus the messy emotions? 

Help.

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Riding the BART in SF always makes me think strange. This is what happens when one of the announcements you hear is "Don't use your child's pram as a doorstop". If a parent-child relationship is one of give and take, what isn't?

Contribution!

http://mimiandeunice.com/2011/02/01/contribution/

Time flies!

I had a set of scribbles and drafts from the past months, which I decided to condense into the CliffsNotes version(s) of multiple posts, with my retrospective thoughts!


November:

Diwali time! Another Diwali in the land where you are legally prohibited from bursting fire-crackers except when you can. The child inside me wanted to rebel so bad it was almost painful. The adult part just smiled a serene(?) smile and spoke about the need to reduce pollution. I am looking forward to attending the Euphoria concert and my first Los Angeles Lakers game. Go Kobe!


PS: The Euphoria concert was an unique experience. A small crowd of about 250-300 people, mostly Indians, a high energy band, listening to old favorite songs, standing on my seat and singing out aloud, overall pretty darn good! The game was predictive - Lakers had to win! For those in the know, and wanting to challenge my wisdom, they were playing GSW. Its a moot point - Go Lakers, all the way!


December:

Mumbai in 5 days. Home in a few days. It is a feeling that has not completely sunken in yet. I am looking forward to the sights and sounds of my absolutely favorite city. Getting to see my family and friends after a long while is exciting, and somewhat scary. What changed, what did not? I am definitely not looking forward to the customary "she has changed after going to America...." dialogues and the like. Also there is a marathon struggle to get done with (too much) school work before the vacation can begin; and that's the reason why I am writing a blog instead of a report.


There is something beautifully alluring about those then-common, now-special things which beckon to me so temptingly. They say "come home to us" - the simple pleasures of having chai at a tapri, with a garam cheese toast butter with extra chutney, company of old friends over old monk+coke and papad in the as creepily welcoming as ever Nimantran. Train rides with the breeze of the Vashi creek in my face, going to Colaba and having the freedom to bargain my way out, a cold Kingfisher, eating pizza from Joey's, coffee at my Juhu Barista, a walk along the beach, meeting school friends - those special people who keep me centered, meeting the newest members of my extended family; a very fast, very long ride on my Dio, and more. India, brace yourself - here I come!


PS: Those 21 days at home made me realize - time flies. It was a rude slap in the face, but brought along the comfort of knowing, for certain, that some people, some relationships and some places do not change. I don't want to imply that they are in status quo, but just that their essence does not change. I am quite sure that I have seen this before, but I guess this is a lifelong learning? Or maybe I like my illusions too much? Whatever, don't know.


January: 

Dee has faced a grand realization: Home is where there are no "well-wishers." Absolutely no one who is concerned about my life, career, marriage and child-bearing potential. Home is where I are comfortable with myself, and not under a highly judgmental microscope to be dissected by society at large.


I missed my Claremont "family" and was surprisingly happy/excited to be back here. Maybe time flew by too much, too fast and I lost my place in Mumbai/Ajmer in the larger scheme of things. I will take help from the wise - "All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." - Anatole France

Seahorses and empty houses

What does a seahorse symbolize?

In the last couple of weeks, I have been asked this question often. After my diligent Internet search, I believe the answer is that a seahorse represents an independent, free spirit; unattached and untethered. Yet, seahorses have a strong protective instinct towards their family! Going by this, seahorses and I are a perfect match, and for that I am glad!

It has been a while since I felt like writing just for myself. Whatever writing energy I had in the past two months has been directed towards reports, plans and exams. Hey, I am a student, and I have the right to bitch about it! But there is definitely something about the Halloween weekend.This post celebrates just about a year of writing for me, and I am glad to have stumbled into the blogosphere. The blogging experience has often been like talking to the *imaginary* friend. The idea that someone may read what I am saying and understand what I am feeling is quite liberating, and exhilarating! Oh yeah, and it is often very scary! But somehow, its working out for me.

So what has changed in a year? A lot, but definitely not enough. Did I change? Yes, I learnt that I should know how to pick my battles. Like the prayer goes (read below), I hope I have learned that fighting a one sided battle for some things does not really help. I love a good fight, but indifference? That just pulls me down and I am not going there anymore. In no way does this mean that I run from my fights, but it just limits the resources I put in them. I don't know about gaining graceful acceptance (actually I have been told I pretty much suck at that, at last check); but, well, hopefully I have time left still. 

There is something about an empty house with a sleeping cat who refuses to acknowledge my presence, and also refuses to leave that makes me write. A year ago, it was a house with two roommates sleeping inside.

Nothing really changes, does it?

For anyone who is interested, this is the (commonly accepted) original version of the Serenity Prayer:

"God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.


Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as He did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next."

Mera Bombay, Aamchi Mumbai!

Which is your favorite city? Mumbai!

Where are you from? Bombay, and Ajmer!

Do you want to go back to India? Yes, to Mumbai!

What do you call the city? Mumbai or Bombay? 

I call it my city, my home.

My city has such a firm foothold in my heart that these answers are very easy! But the one question I have not yet been able to address eloquently is why. Why do I love Mumbai? One would think that reasons would come pouring out, but surprisingly, they don't. 

The real reason is so intrinsically tied to the Spirit of Mumbai, that elusive lady who wraps you in the cocoon of her charm even before you realize it. She is strong, sensuous, scandalous, surprisingly sweet, oh and she is fast! Actually, I don't think she travels at anything less than breakneck speed, and somewhere along the way she invented the "time is money" motto that rules life in her city. She gets hurt often - riots, bomb blasts, floods, shootings - but her recovery rate, like everything here, is accelerated! 

Emotions run deep in Mumbai - may they be joy, victory, festivity, or anger. Mumbai does not celebrate any festival half-heartedly, we are crazy about our Govinda, we pray and then go eat at Mohammed Ali Road during Ramadan, we love our favorite Ganpati bappa, we burn Raavan's effigy on Dussehra, we dazzle on Diwali, we adore the midnight mass on Christmas, we party to bring in the New Year, and we are awash in color on Holi! If that is not enough celebration, we also also do our Sankranti, Easter, Chaat Pooja, Hanukkah, Navroze, Rakhi, the Prithvi Theatre festival, the Kala Ghoda festival... and on it goes!

And before you tell me, yes there is Dharavi, Asia's biggest slum. Yes, the trains are crowded. Very crowded. The traffic is terrible. I also know about the potholes. Yes, sometimes not speaking Marathi can be a problem. Yes, the heat and the monsoon floods. The hawkers and the beggars. Blah blah blah.

Did I ever say it is the perfect city?

There are numerous reasons why I love Bombay, now that I think of it. The problem is, if I start listing them out (I tried), it reads like my personal Lonely Planet guide to Mumbai. That simply does not capture the friendliness of the people, nor does it capture the calm feeling of sitting by the sea with the breeze in your face, and it absolutely does not capture the whirlwind of colors and lights that decorate the city! There is this energy that sustains the city, gives it that extra zing, and pulses in every nook of this metropolis. The word on the streets is survive, and the word in the boardrooms is succeed; both often interchangeable.

I miss the trains, with hands that extend to pull you in, the aunty who grabs you tightly because she is worried that you may fall off, the "I am living an adventure" feeling when only about a fourth of you is actually in the train! I miss the freedom of being able to walk out at 2 in the night and take a rickshaw ride along the sea on Carter Road, saying a quick prayer at Mount Mary, and returning home again, perfectly safe. The bargaining sessions at Colaba Causeway and Linking Road. The revitalized feeling I get after spending an hour in my favorite Agyari. I miss eating coconut ice-cream while sitting next to a celebrity, and other similar small pleasures!

Oh, and I deeply, viciously, miss bombil fry and Joey's Pizza. 

This and more, is what I love about Mumbai!

ऐ दिल, है मुश्किल जीना यहाँ; ज़ारा हटके, ज़ारा बचके, ये है बम्बई मेरी जान!

dangers and desires, in the dark

Some conversations in the middle of a lonely night bring about more revelations than hours of chatting in the sunlight. There is something about the sinuous embrace of darkness which makes thoughts easier to share. There is an illusion of safety which allows hidden feelings to bubble up, over and out. No wonder, moon-lit nights are preferred for stealth and serenades alike!

I believe that we all are alike in our desires, deep down. Unless you are a misanthrope, we desire to meet people who are similar to us, emotionally. Oh, there is a complementary 'opposites attract' theory also. As I see it, these opposites stem from the same source, and therein lies the similarity.

'Its a dangerous thing to know someone like you (or me) is out there.'

This remark of a friend made me think how vulnerable we are to this innermost desire of finding people who 'connect' with us. I hope you are lucky enough to find such people, may they be friends, family, a teacher, or a random stranger on a train; and that you are smart enough to realize it. The bumps on the road ahead will be less bumpy thanks to all the extra support you have under your tush!

Along with the charms of such cozy links, come the dangers of being open and vulnerable to another person. It ain't easy to let go of the inhibitions, and once I let go, I expect the same from the other person. An inability to do so, is danger #1. The thought of rejection, as if the other person doesn't care, is danger #2. The painful part is, that rejections bring back all the clamps and inhibitions, multiplied. That after this cycle, I will withdraw even more into my emotional shell, is danger #3. These people are in the trusted circle, so any backlash in unexpected. This unseen danger, is my danger #4.

Now why am I gushing on about this?

I have been blessed as at each stage of my life, I have found people who I could share my innermost feelings with! Oh sure, this has backfired a couple of times, leaving painful scars. Time goes on, scars heal. New places, new people, new friends meet. Old friends call, chat and email. If you are lucky (like me!), these intrinsic connections remain.

Live, love, laugh; and life goes on!

I Love SF

Its been a month since I have been in San Francisco and I am luuuuving it! The energy and the diversity of the city remind me of Mumbai (my one true love), and so do the beautiful views of the SF bay. Moreover, the last few weekends reminded what it is like to live in a city again! Oh, and I found my own place to stay. So glad the search for that is over!

One of SF's claim to fame is the super-liberal environ in the city and there is no better celebration for that than the Pride Parade! Oh. My. God. - It was such an awesome experience! We walked on the streets and took a look at the very colorful lives and the history of the LGBTQ community in San Fran. There was real 'pride' here, with thousands of people along to support the rainbow movement. There were also random Christian preachers holding loud debates with the non-believers, magic brownie vendors, some very very hot gay couples, some not-so-hot naked guys and plenty of ladies displaying their charms. It was an over-whelming, sense-saturating, super-fun afternoon and I am so glad that I was a part of this quintessential SF experience!

And then there was the food adventure. Apparently, finding a nice place (close by) to sit and eat lunch on the Pride Sunday is next to impossible. So we ended up walking through a maze of streets trying to find places that Google Maps assured us would be there, only to find them shut or not open for lunch or sometimes, not existing at all! Eventually it all worked out and we ate and wine-d and beer-ed our way into a perfect Sunday. All the more reasons to love SF!