Change is the only constant. These are the five much brandished, amazingly clichéd words, meant to comfort ourselves and others about all the funky changes that make our lives as interesting as they are. For me tonight, right now, there is no comfort in hearing these words. Tomorrow may be different, who knows? In the last two months, life as I knew it went spinning. For an almost control freak, this realization is even more scary. None of these changes are unexpected, but since when did anticipating something make it easier to swallow? (;-))
I graduated from a Masters program which embodies "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." Since this is not my ghost typing this out, I guess it worked. One of the ritual rings of fire we pass through at KGI is a year long project with a company. To say that my project turned me into a caffeine fueled fiend would not be very wrong. But it was the journey and the people I shared it with that made it amazing. We had our good days and the bad days (and nights), but we rallied. "Blow their socks off" was what we lived by and worked for. Done. Oh, and then we all graduated. No more waking up to urgent team emails, sharing the 'crazy eyes' look, eight hour marathon meetings, late late nights working , driving down to get animal-style In n' Out, or the team's collective eye rolling at Dee's innuendos. Damn, I miss all of that, and all of them.
Graduation time = Family time = Emotional roller-coaster. This reinforced my belief that family is an entity best loved from a distance. That way, its easier to say "I love you" and forgive and forget. Just when things were settling down, it was time to bid adieu. Fast forward to the next few days, and I was back at the airport to say bye to a dear friend who was shifting countries. I don't think I have yet fully absorbed the fact that she is no longer a 25 minute drive away. Her apartment and the long conversations we had together always gave me the peaceful sense of being at home that virtual communication just can't match up to. Fast forward to the next few days, and I was back at the airport to see myself off on a cross-country trip to meet old friends. Conclusion: I am good business for the US aviation industry.
These were also turbulent times for many of my closest friends, and I think we all came through without too many scars. In the true spirit of the drama that my life is, there were some highly charged, emotional revelations. A few relationships were broken, some new ones made and some old ones remain unfixed. Sadness, hope and regret, all in a flux. I gained new perspective on old wounds, and was gifted a pair of rainbow colored glasses to view the world with. True story.
Its wonderfully humbling to realize the emotional strength of people around you. Its also wonderfully depressing to realize that you are not as strong as you imagined yourself to be.
I think I need more vitamins. Plus some Jack and maybe a smoke.
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ReplyDeleteYes, time and tense ARE merely perception!We have such a wonderful memory and a creative imagination that we can be where we want to be, when we want to be. At the same time, living in the present is a smart choice! I don't want to hold on to the bygone era. It's more like - take the memories out of the closet sometimes, review, revisit and them put them back. There is no growth if you don't move on, and all stagnation, no growth makes for a very dull/dead person.
ReplyDeleteThe whole post was written to get to the last couple of lines, now that I think about it.
Hi Dee/Dilshad! It’s been a while and I am still writing something specifically for what we were discussing almost a month and a half ago (I’m writing four other things but haven’t quite found the time to finish any of it!). Pleasantries apart, I found this post to be a magnum opus of sorts. It speaks of your relationships in school, without you having specifically mentioning it in your post, I can imagine you and your friend cooking together or sharing a chat over a cup of tea (or coffee whatever you prefer) in your pyjamas. I can imagine the very many things that mark the simplicity and honesty of time shared with people you didn’t know but come to eventually know and love. The turbulent times reminded me of the many friends who I saw taking eight courses in their last term in order to get the minor of their choice or to graduate along with ‘their’ class and there can be many more such examples.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that I found common in our discussions then and your discussions now is that you keep talking about the time you’re living in as the era gone by. Do you think this is the end of it all? Yes, you’re not twenty five minutes away from your friends but at the same time the joy of meeting them after the four months or six months is promising enough because perhaps its time to share your life with more people, new people. The very brilliance of change: carrying forth the memories of March into the experiences of the following May.
I feel you believe similarly but because you’re experiencing such change you want to label the time past as the era gone by but I feel it’ll never be the era gone by because all the people who you shared it with will be travelling with you into a common or uncommon future. But they are with you. I hope I don’t sound like a bag of mangled philosophical summaries but this is how I see things and thought I’d share!
PS: I won't answer any questions about titles because: "She is free to call herself what ever she wants. Her identity though, will always remain the same."
PPS: You might like this: http://richibaidwan.blogspot.com/2011/01/flat-high.html
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ReplyDelete@Richi
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of the "era gone by" emotions stem from the fact that it does indeed feel that way for me. Plus, I am job-hunting, which is not the most uplifting emotional state! I very much hope that my relationship from this time continue to grow, and of course there is space for new ones. I may even upgrade from drinking coffee in pyjamas to drinking wine in pyjamas!
However, sometimes I will look back. It mostly makes me smile, and sometimes makes me cry. Then, life moves on again to another lovely day!
PS: Please keep sharing the mangled philosophies, they help me see things in a different light :)
PPS: Names/titles: Hoisted by my own petard, wasn't I?
@Brijender
ReplyDeleteWe have established that they are the same person. Dee is the lazier version though. You unwittingly picked out some of my favorite lines, and for that, I thank you!
You really did not like Delhi Belly, did you?
@Richi
ReplyDeletePPPS: I just read "A Flat High" a couple of days ago. The one that felt closer to the mood I was in when writing this post was "Home."
Keep writing, a reader awaits!
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ReplyDeleteDilshad there are many times when we don’t have a lot of reinforcements. Times of change are officially the ones where the lack of positive reinforcements can have the highest negative impact because it’s a period of uncertainty.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was job hunting I was very stressed as well (without even knowing it) but at the same time don’t forget you won’t get so much time to yourself once you begin working.
I don’t know what it is that can help you but for me learning helped. So in times of uncertainty I’ll spend my spare time learning something new, researching on a subject I wanted to know more about (watching documentaries, reading articles, making notes) or read or cook. Essentially do things through which you can appreciate yourself, things that add to you. Something that’ll make you go “shabash Dilshad, not bad huh”.
PS: Names/titles: your answer in regards to your own identity seemed most befitting ;)
PPS: Another post you might relate to (wrt to ‘Maudlin’) is http://richibaidwan.blogspot.com/2011/01/orchid-tresses.html
PPS: Although I love Switty Tera Pyar from DB I think one that’s really worth checking out is Haal-e-Dil by Amitabh
Dee-Dah_Dum ke liye: http://richibaidwan.blogspot.com/2011/08/free.html
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